Heartbreak and BPD

Suffering from serious mental illnesses alone is so unbelievably exhausting the thought of adding or making the daily emotional rollercoaster worse turns me sick to my stomic, but there are certain things which are completely out of your control. Things other people bring upon you like arguments, breakups and even death are often completely out of your control. when you suffer from Borderline personality disorder like myself the smallest thing to other people can be huge to me. For example..I had a partner who would regularly go out and just completly ignore me, all my calls and messages. A normal person would be mad and pissed off but probably just think “fuck you” and go to bed and forget about the person, they wouldnt deal with the emotion like I would. My thpought process would become extreem and complety crazy to most people.

my thought process

Anger

  • How fucking dare he ignore me
  • ring repeatedly until he answers
  • once or if he answers show him how angry you are and hang up then imedietly regeret hanging up.

Panic

  • Ring constently again
  • have a panic attack as to what have you done
  • imedietly think thats it and begin crying because your relationship is over
  • feel more panic and send text after text and try call more times

Dispare

  • think of the most extreme thing you could do to get their attention
  • begin to blame yourself because your such a stupid person, your nothing, youve always been nothing, noone wants you, your a compleete burden on everyone and everything and the world would be better without you
  • continue the argument in your head, begin going over everything thats ever happened, things that you know or thought you knew were not your fault and begin questioning them
  • imagin your funeral and how noone would be there because your such anothing and you were never ment to be here anyway

Panic again

  • Try call again, still no answer, check every social media outlet for any signs of were he might be, start imagining him with every woman you’ve ever known him to be with or speak to, then start looking through their social media incase you can see any clues hes with them
  • cry harder and harder
  • inside my head throughout this is the voice that tells me to hurt myself, to punish myself because all this is happening because im a bad person and i need to punish myself
  • If i make myself hurt then I wont hurt so much inside and I deserve the pain, ive caused this because I wasnt ment to be here.

Exhaustion

  • this is the worst phase to look back on because this is when I have ended up letting people back into my life who have been the most toxic and deceitful people
  • everything above is exhausting, to fluxulate between such high emotions over such a fast amount of time really drains the life from me, I don’t sleep, Ive literelly faught with my head to stay alive and more often than not I am going through all this emotion behind closed doors and NEVER EVER letting my children see me. I am so good at holding all the above until they have gone to bed.
  • when you question everything about yourself and you genuinly believe you are worth nothing all I want is to feel wanted and I cant bare for you to leave me no matter what ypou have actually done. When you finally come home or get in contact I am so broken I beg for you to forgive me and I take the blame so everything can be ok again.

I cannot imagin that it is easy for someone to Love someone with my illness but it shouldn’t be easy to hurt someone with this illness either. Maybe they don’t undersdtand or are just ignorant I cant answer that but for me this instability and self loath doesn’t end there, this scars me for life. Things can be going fine we can be out having a great day out and BOOM! a thought will jump into my head or I will see a person who has caused me upset in the past and BOOM! I am right back living that nightmare all over again, but to you ive just got into a mood.

Maybe I am unlovable, maybe I wasn’t ment to be happy or even be on this planet but I am and as long as I am I owe my life to my children and their happiness. Maybe I have to live alone or find someone who will not hurt me but my adult life has been nothing but hard choices and wrong decitions.

Today life changed again and all the above is how I know I will feel when everyones in bed. I feel angry and let down that this is happening again and I feel more alone than anyone will ever know but I also know I have to keep going because Ive decided to give my life to my children. My sole aim is to make their lives the absolute best it will ever be and accept that I wasn’t ment to be happy or even here, I was put on this world to be a mummy and the best mummy and that is what I will do even if it means I do it alone.

Advertisements

When the snow falls…I think of you

This week my daughter turned 10…which has sparked a lot of mixed emotions within myself….

Pregnant and alone

When I turned 21 back in 2007 I had a 2 year old son and my own house with the love of my life…I took to mum life better than a lot of people expected me to and I really tried so hard to be the best mum I could. I fell pregnant with our second baby and suffered a traumatic miscarriage at 14 weeks but that’s not what this is about…In 2008 I found out I was pregnant again and to say I was petrified would be an under statement.

Nightmares don’t scare me anymore

I think there’s a certain crazy that a woman can become when she thinks she’s been cheated on…a part of you which just feels a mixture of sick and psychotic and completely possessed by jealousy and rage. I knew things were not right because you changed your passwords on everything you owned, you started going out after work and I knew what the deal was. I outsmarted you and found out myself because you were to much of a coward to tell me yourself….

A mother’s love is stronger than anything a man will ever feel….

Pregnancy is hard..very hard and especially hard when your looking after other children right? But I’m not going to lie I felt more love towards my bump than I thought I would and I was so excited to meet my baby girl. I actually thrived in the fact that I could make all the choices myself…I gave myself weekly aims…I got myself a cute little cottage, learned how to live by myself, pay bills, learn to love my own company and grow into a completely different person. A person I could learn to love.

But there are the other parts of having a new born baby and a toddler and living alone that are absolutly terrifying. If you need a wee you just go to the bathroom right?? Not when you have a baby and a toddler and no one else to hold or watch them for you…I had 2 bouncy chairs in my little 2 bed cottage…1 in the kitchen so I could make tea and breakfast and 1 in the bathroom so I could have a bath/shower or just be able to to to the loo!! The hardest and most horrific experience was a 24 hour sickness bug, alone with a toddler and a new born…I remember having a bucket to throwing up into while breast feeding because I just didn’t know what else to do.

Snow to me is not cold but a symbol of love and emotion

When you were born, grandma and aunty were there to see you come into the world, there was no one else that could have been there and made the experience so possitive. You entered this world on the coldest day of the year with snow falling down outside us but the room you entered couldn’t have been filled with more love and warmth. You were wrapped up in a blanket and help up to see the falling snow, now every time it snows I think of you, my beautiful baby girl who kept me afloat and keept me fighting for a better life with you and your brother.

10 years have passed

It might not seem a big deal to a lot of people and I don’t think of it as a bad thing anymore because I can look back and be proud of you as my daughter who is strong, level headed and just a sunflower who lightens and brightens up were ever she goes. I did that, I made you and you are my rock. Life will always throw these curve balls my way but I will always come out the other side slightly more battered and bruised but still fighting for a happy life.

Shop Disney’s NEW Princess Bracelet Collection 2019

I’m not going to lie but… I have a slight obsession with Disney themed everything…but especially beautifully crafted and designed Disney jewelry. Now I know how lucky I am that I have a nice collection of designer and Disney pieces in my collection and I also have 2 little Princesses who like to ‘borrow’ and ‘model’ my pieces at any chances they get. Come on weve all done it right? I still visit my Nana now and love looking through her aloborate collection of rubys, opels and diamonds.

When Shop Disney UK releveled In December that they would be launching a Disney princess collection of bracelets and charms throughout 2019 I was so excited. This idea I think is just so adorable and both my girls couldn’t wait to see which princess would fall on their birthday.

How does it work?

On the last Saturday of every calendar month a new Princess with her own theme and colour are launched. To accompany the charms you are able to purchase a silver bracelet to hold your charms. The bracelet fastens just like a Pandora Bracelet and includes a safety clasp to hold the charms in place should the bracelet open.

The Bracelets are available in two sizes 17 and 19 cm

The Princess Charms

So this month we are introduced to this incredible collection with one of my all time favourite Princesses Aurora, her charms are 2 oval pink in colour glass beads which cuddle the heart shaped classic charm featuring the princesses artwork and diamante detail with hearts lazer but into the body of the charm. Heart-shaped bead features classic character artwork and diamanté detail.

Next month we excited to welcome Pocahontas to the collection.

The Bracelets are Priced at £8 (17cm) and £10 (19cm)

The Charm sets are £8 each

To fill the bracelet you are looking at roughly £104!!

A change is good right??

Today I did something drastic…I actually listened to my own head and decided to totally change my hair….then I booked a personal trainer…and then I actually took a full body picture of myself feeling fairly fucking fabulous!!!!!! This is huge for me and a massive step in the right direction!!!! So yay to me!!

In other news I have decided that I am 100% a Marvel girl and unfortunately after been really excited to see Aquaman and Justice league I wish I hadn’t bothered because well they were pants and that’s being polite.

Finally…I also decided that I don’t read enough…so I actually turned off my phone for a whole hour and read!

Today’s a good day in Abis little bubble.

Xxxx

How to revamp your kitchen dresser

I’ve always loved up-cycling and restoring used furniture, and my mission when we moved to our new house was to start doing more with some of the drabber items in our home….Yippee
This particular dresser was nothing special….basic boring varnished pine with no character at all…just like the family member who passed it onto us.  Previously when restoring furniture I have had a plan and vision for the piece and this item was originally going to be in the cream tone and then sell it on bish bash bosh.  But! When you see the final piece you will see why I changed my mind and now this dresser is one of my absolute favourite pieces of furniture in my house.

 

For all you lovely peeps wanting to do something similar for yourself here’s my easy follow step by step guide for you to follow.
What products have I used??
I am very loyal with the products which I use in my furniture restoration, as I know they work and always give me the desired effects and finish I want.  but please do try your own as there are so many products out there now and slightly cheaper to.
  • Annie Sloan Chalk Paint
  • Annie Sloan Furniture Wax
  • Annie Sloan Furniture Buffing Brush
  • Dusting Smooth Cloth
  • Cath Kidston Tea towels or Thick Fabric
  • Modge Podge
Step 1
OK so before I begin painting any item of furniture, I always use something like ‘elbow grease’ everyday cleaner on a clean cloth to remove any unwanted dirt, grease and marks, this leaves you with a lovely clean surface, which allows the paint to glide onto the wood smooth and easily.
Once you have chosen your colour (I used Annie Sloan in Paris Grey) follow the instructions on the tin before beginning to paint any items, but once you are all ready to begin slap the paint on all over the visible areas of the piece of furniture.  The great thing about chalk paint is that it does not need to be used by a professional, it can be slapped on in any old direction, this just adds to the final look of your piece.  Some pieces of furniture may need 2 coats of paint while others may be fine with just the 1 coat.

Tip – If you are running low on paint add some water to the tin for the second coat

20180606_2229402731596148047738950.jpg
1 coat of paint with draws removed

Step 2

I like to give my painted pieces at least 12 hours to dry before I begin this next phase…Waxing.  Sometimes I love this part other times I hate it, it all depends on the piece of furniture but if you are ready to get stuck in and be confident you will be fine.  I use the Annie Sloan chalk-paint-wax-brushes-lifestyle-shot-wax brush, which is tapered with thick bristles, which helps to get the wax into each knuck and cranny of your piece.  When waxing your item be prepared for the colour of the paint to change slightly, as the wax seeps into the paint it will naturally darken the colour but once you have buffed the wax your colour will look incredible…Trust me.
Ok so once you have applied the wax to all the areas the fun part is beginning to buff the wax with your smooth cloth and seeing the piece come alive.  Buffing the wax will leave you with a smooth and protected surface.
TIP – In the areas were I used fabric I didn’t use pain or wax to save myself time and effort.

Step 3

Once you have completed the above steps you can just leave the dresser how it is or you can go ahead and add your individual touch.  I used the fabric from a tea towel from the Disney x Cath Kidston, Alice in Wonderland Collection to add detail to the cupboard doors and the draws.  The fabric used to make the tea towels is perfect for decoupaging (Découpage is the art of decorating an object by gluing paper or fabric to a piece of furniture) as its waxed and robust.  I measured the area you want to cover and then cut out the pieces.  Try not to over think lovelies as this can be quite fiddly!!

Using an old brush paint the Modge podge onto the surface and quickly press the fabric onto the area.  I like to pain around the fabric edges to seal the fabric in place, once you are happy with the fabrics position and that there is no air bubbles.
So there you have it, it really is a lot easier than you think and only a day or two’s effort.  Have fun and if you up cycle any of your furniture I would love to see it.
Abs xxxxxx

Nothing good can come from slut dropping after the age of 30

Ok so those who follow me over on Instagram will know all about my little dancing accident back in July, which resulted in my snapped acrutiatic ligurment in my knee. I would normally take something like this very seriously but in the circumstances it really was hilarious….

So picture the scene….my best friends wedding and the first time I’ve ever left my youngest child with family…first time I’ve properly had a drink as well in literally years….beautiful venue, immaculate bridesmaids and little old me…

Everything was going so well until around 9pm I began to feel a little tired and at a point were I should have called it a day, but no! that would have been sensible. So instead after spending 30 mins in my stunning hotel room up a lovely 4 flights of stairs and a quick shoe change from heels to Havanas, I threw myself back into the celebrations, ordered a vodka, necked it and then hit the dance floor….

Now in my defence the next part is slightly hazy, some say I tried to twerk, some say I slipped on a spilt drink and others say I tried to slut drop!!! But which ever it was (I’m going with the latter) I ended up man down and in a serious amount of pain.

The worst part if this whole ordeal was the next hour which followed, I was kindly helped up and I held back tears and tried to hide the amount of pain I was in and did manage to walk but only a few steps before my whole knee gave way in a feeling I can only describe as your whole knee feeling like jelly inside and there being no stability or strength. I won’t lie that people’s action towards me were very frustrating in that my partner and friends didn’t seem to believe me when I tried to tell them I was in agony and I genuinely couldn’t walk. Thankfully a lovely member of the hotel staff had seen me fall and seen the amount of pain I was in and took over my care…I am so greatful for this .

So long story short a trip to A&E the next day and a pair of crutches later I am officially NEVER SLUT DROPPING AGAIN

Love Abs

Xxx

 

 

Disney Newcastle Meet Up December 2018

On Sunday, December 2nd I was incredibly lucky to be able to join the inspirational queen of the UK Disney community Rosin @disneyfind, at a wonderful Newcastle meet up perfectly in time for Christmas
20181202_15544281897616381652063.jpg
I cannot imagine how much time and thought Rosin put into this meet up as everything was perfect thoughout the evening and so many lovely personal touches were added to make this such a fantastic evening.
20181202_1925028631016199699757797.jpg
The event was held at the Tyneside Cinema located on Pilgram street in Newcastle City centre and luckily for me, there was parking really close to the venue which was a relief as I driven down from York. Now I need to take a minute to explain about this venue and how nostalgic the interior is, the whole building is like a museum to its past self. I later found out that this is the exact cinema which my Grandparents used to frequently visit in their early days of courting which made the evening even more special for me and I can just imagine them pretending to watch a movie while having a cheeky kiss on the back row!!!!
screenshot_20181214-001602_google6689223625961934942.jpg
screenshot_20181214-001535_google8063012519518037041.jpg
On arrival Rosin was ready to welcome the congregation of Disney fans and I must admit what a great sight it was seeing such an array of people all dressed head to toe with their own interpretation of what Disney is to them. I also thought another small detail which I found incredibly humbling was the small details added from small businesses in the Disney community which brought people together and started conversations within the group.
20181214_0044008895951814476822213.jpg
I myself choose to wear my beloved ‘Self-confessed Disnerd’ white tee from Rock paper sisters with jeans and a pair of spanks which went from my bust to my knees!!
20181202_1927403336373901125388340.jpg
leading up to the event I told myself that I was not going to let my social anxiety affect me and that everyone at the event was there for the same reason…we all love Disney and wanted to meet like-minded people. So I thought I’m going to push myself to be more outgoing like I used to be.

When entering the private function room I was greeted with 3 rows of velvet red sofas facing an intimate cinema screen with an open fire scene playing which added to the ambience of the evening perfectly but made me sweat even more with nerves.
screenshot_20181214-001936_chrome4972028126675360179.jpg
In one corner there was a perfectly lit Christmas tree with Disney store boxes lovingly placed underneath and Minnie themed stockings also. Next to the tree there were 3 rows of string with various Disney characters pegged onto it and to the left of the room a long table which contained Minnie and Mickey cupcakes(which tasted delicious by the way), a make your own Olaf (have a go yourself here), Princess inspired photo booth and a draw your own Mickey Mouse.
20181202_1927522669809426926395207.jpg
These little extras really helped in being icebreakers to get the group talking and interacting with each other which was another well thought out detail. I worked my way around the room introducing myself, while yrying not to ramble on as i do when im nervous I found if I asked people’s instagram names and then added them as a friend we had something to talk about instantly, thanks Insta xxx.

After the introductions, we had a quiz which i must admit was really hard but still good fun. I suck at fast quizzes so as I expected I missed out on a prize here, Rosin also gave a prize for the worst score which again was a super cute touch.
20181204_1508255772933699188990210.jpg
Alongside everything else we had the most amazing goody bags which contained a pin from Magical thunder press, a watch which I am obsessed with from Popcorn Clothing and a meet up personalised badge from Bishop Please as well as some personal pieces from Rosin. Such a surprise and generous addition to the evening.
20181204_1342242341946305725522966.jpg
Rosin had a selection of dvds for us to watch on the big screen and thankfully we picked Mulan which is a classic but not a film I’ve recently exhausted at home with the kids….yes Toy Story every day for a month takes it’s toll!!!! Hahaha
20181202_2040496225981600830722806.jpg
I cannot believe how much I enjoyed watching the film, I’m not sure if it was die to the popcorn and cupcakes, the being able to relax for the first time in a while or just the whole evening in general but I loved Mulan before but even more so now. It was so nice to watch a movie without any interruptions from my children, my phone and life in general so thank you again Rosin for such a wonderful idea.
w3lcome_foolish_mortal_201812140108102053027208241970241.png
Another highlight to my evening was getting to speak to the incredibly talented and inspirational Sarah Louise Porter and it was so nice to finally be able to talk to her and I hope in the new year to be able to spend more time with both Rosin and Sarah up in the Toon.
screenshot_20181214-004309_instagram4422208361680965230.jpg
If your thinking about holding a meet up yourself in your town or attending one in the near future DO IT. You have nothing to loose but so so much to gain my lovelies.
Lots.of love
Abs